


Achromatic Happy/End

by E_den



Category: No Fandom
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:35:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 8,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24318934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/E_den/pseuds/E_den
Summary: A small writing self-project to write down all the feelings I've felt and/or witnessed from myself or others and arrange them into what would seem like ideas for song lyrics or something else (they arent song lyrics). If you happen to stumble upon this, don't pay it too much mind, though if you decide to read, you might be able to relate to some of the things here, though some things if not most will be hard to understand. If you do read. Thank you
Kudos: 2





	1. Twinkling Happiness

To gather a group of people who you know can be happy with, and trying to form a happy relationship with them.

Together we form smiles and a group to make others the same, where we can laugh and feel ourselves for the entire day.

Even if I know that's a foolish unrealistic dream,

there's a sense of strength in the action of trying.

There's a magic in the words of sheer reassurance,

the same magic that forms inside a persons heart,

it once possessed a name, such, the twinkling happiness.

You came to me together in hopes you'd feel the same,

only to leave for the cause of your heart flooded with rain,

Your contrasted positivity was no match for the ones close but far to you,

though you'd hope that you could do the same to others too,

Your face that made me happy only to soon disappear, 

Your words with your emotions that never saw eye to eye,

To think from another view, that nobody would notice you,

But I couldn't help but wonder if you felt the same happiness too,

The chronicle of feelings are viewed in every corner,

but become achromatic sentiments in every humans eye,

Please take my hand, you'll feel it too,

Even if you don't believe, I'll share this bestowed magic between me and you,

You can say whatever you want about me, 

you can think whatever you want about me,

If you learn to stop faking you feelings for others,

maybe somehow you can achieve a sliver of what you've been wanting,

A patrol that's based on grins and beams, that soon became inanimate,

But still resonates in the hearts who still believe,

Somewhere, somehow, you can't escape the fact that others believe in you, and will always believe in you,

Everyone has to work hard for the things they want,

So if you decide to give up, then everybody efforts become fruitless

I engulfed myself in sheer trust and belief, 

For the magic in my dreams to become reality.

If you can say that the dreams of yours mean nothing,

Then I can say that mine are dreams of dreams,

Where I physically bend reality to my will,

But still remain a simple human being,

While to us everyone else has contrasted feelings to us,

and yet we'd rather stay away to protect ourselves,

though our own feelings are simultaneously a boon and a bane,

we somehow came close together to form our relationship,

If we can stick together to be ourselves and to stay by each other's sides,

then we can provide comfort during our most trying times,

because even if it seems like I'm a carnival of such,

there are always times when the carnival shuts down,

I can show you a glimmer of magic. The twinkling happiness.


	2. "You're Home"

There's always going to be something valuable like time,

anything can be valuable in the midst of time,

You can tell me how your day was and has been,

And we could be spending the whole away,

time goes by when you're having fun of course,

so it would seem like time takes forever when you're doing nothing,

So why does it feel like my time with you has been so short,

The longevity of our lives are frail, frail enough to almost be transparent,

your need interlock with mine, all it takes is a little interaction,

annoying, annoying, something like forced separation doesn't deserve to exist,

yet in our own ways, we were always separated, we always have been, everybody's been

one can never make enough memories, but "far and beyond we will forget each other, in due time"

how can you say something like that after all we've been through, 

But, those weren't your words...were they,

No, my intoxicating thoughts swarmed my head with each passing time I couldn't see you, all of you.

It'd be a shame if my separation were to end on short notice,

I want to see you again,

All of us have a state of forgetfulness,

and if it's me then I won't forget the most important things,

If the states shift us even father apart,

It won't stop me from wanting to come to see you,

I might get overwhelmed that I might be moved to tears,

but nothing matters 'cause you're all there to comfort me,

So that we can finally say "Welcome Back, You're home,"

There's been laughing coming from the other side of the phone,

While I'm talking by myself, sitting all alone,

I know you care for me and ask if I'm okay,

But I can only think about how much I want to be right there,

Text messages come back and forth, flying in the air,

But I can't hear the joy from your colorful voice,

If it's hard, if it's tough, we will all be right there,

it's unfair to know we all have to go our separate ways,

She's smiling all the way, while she sits in her chair,

because she knows that saying goodbye is the hardest thing,

But feathers fall from the heaves leading you your every path,

all alone because things will go back to how they used to be,

nothing for me,

She has nobody to tell her, "Welcome Back, You're home"


	3. Tidal Push

Time to jump; Time to dive,

Like I should have done,

Time to dive; Time to jump

Like I wish I could do,

There are thousands of butterflies always flying around,

yet they still find their way fluttering inside,

If I could turn back time to jump and to dive again,

I don't know if I'd be happy with the end results

Fear of acting, moving, deciding the next moment,

Gives me a fear of the consequences that might happen,

So, in the end, all I can do is sit there and watch

"Watch as you walk away without a second look back"

Talking and laughing with such joy, without a care in the world,

I can't help but wonder about how I want the same for me too,

My feet and my words fumble one after the other,

"Do I deserve to have this kind of wishful thinking?"

What looks like ease in the eyes from a standby view,

looks like something that seems impossible to do,

In the beginning, there were waves of waves,

But they were the only obstacle pushing me back,

To jump. To dive.

It all seems out of my grasp,

Please let this feeling come back to me,

Please let my deepest thoughts become reality,

I want to do what I should've done,

I want to do what I wish I could do,

Let the crashing waves pass by, yet push me the other way,

Excruciating tidal waves carry my wishes far beyond me, though remain calm around those who comfort me,

I'll turn back time against the worlds will,

Finally releasing the thousands of butterflies remaining still,

The world can push whatever consequence it wants onto me,

Then perhaps, maybe, I can be myself once again,

"Do I deserve this kind of wishful thinking?"

The waves of time move one by one, in ways a human mind can't follow,

"The power to turn back time"; the kind of plain unrealistic nonsense in the abyss of my mind, 

I can no longer hide, that I am the cause for these undesirable waves

The vague "If" is what causes my mind to run rampant,

There is so much I wish to tell you, so much to catch up on, 

The power to turn the tides against my introverted fate,

The will to impel against the waves;

There is nothing I want more,

But if I can't instill in myself, the desired confidence to take my first steps towards you,

Then I do not deserve this kind of wishful thinking,

For I do not possess the ability to change my future,

I do not possess the strength to compel against my own waves,

A wild imagination, and antisocial tendencies,

"They're the things that make me who I am,

They're the things that make me who I am,"

There is no turning back,

You've long faded, far beyond my memories reach,

I lost my chance, I had no chance

This was my consequence for my uncontrolled tidal waves,

For missing my opportunities,

"So why did I believe I deserved such wishful thoughts?" 


	4. Alice's Wonderland

I want you to tell me you love me,   
even if it's a ×××

But even if that's the truth,  
I don't think I can handle leaving you,

I want to stay here,  
Where I can always remember the sweet times we spent together,

No matter when, No matter how,  
The spoonful of feelings that I can't let go of,  
Become sullied with sugar,

It doesn't matter how,  
No matter what, this sensation far surpasses all other emotions,  
Staring far in space, with the feelings of two eyes staring back,  
The bear you gave me, radiating with sweet memories,  
Holding it close to me, is a feeling that surpasses anxiety-

_I want your love_

Tick-tock, Tick-tock, I interlace my thoughts,  
Incoherent words that lead right back to you,  
Flicker, Flicker, that could only be you,  
I've finally found the time for it all,  
Where did the sweet nothings emitting from your lips go?

_Where will my love for you go now?_   
_Please, I love you_

What fairytale have I wandered in,  
Why can't I find any comfort here,  
Reality and this lie separated by sugarcoated smiles,

"I love you" connected by a string of fate,  
While laughing, saying it's a lie,  
Separated by the receiver on the other end of the line wherever we go,  
A love story held together by set dialogue,  
Holding my breath, "I love you"

If love is like a cup of tea,  
Full, and filled with warmth,  
I wouldn't throw it away even if it went cold,

All I can do is fall into this wonderland,  
Please let me hear your voice again,

Memories of the present day, connecting by lines of thread,  
From when did they start to fray?

I can still feel your touch,

The mistakes of the distant past,   
Is something I accustomed to alone,  
But I still glance to my side, hoping to find you there,

**I can still feel your touch,**

The breaking of my heart,   
Was found coming from you with the worst of words,  
The gentleness you showed,  
Made my heart wrench in such disarray,

The only thing that stands by my side,   
Is the innocent bear,   
who's threads mocks my every connection with you,

**If you love me, I want you to love me ~~,~~**

Every night I long for your sweet phone calls,  
Holding the phone to my ear as if you were there,  
As if I could hear your voice once again,  
But the thread connecting our lines have long faded,  
It makes my heart hurt,

Tick-tock, tick-tock, all alone; perplexed  
My search for you still hasn't ceased,  
Tick-tock, tick-tock, my screen is always black,  
You're pretending to be asleep once more anyways,

"I've had enough"  
"If that's really how you feel, then let's forget it"  
But somehow I'm unable to get these words out again,  
I don't need these words that don't exist to be heard.

Please, If you love me then love me,  
If you hate me then hate me,  
Don't let the thread of paranoia cape around my heart,

Love or if it's friendship,  
Real or if it's all just lies,  
All I wanted was your affection,  
So please don't leave me,

If love is like this cup of tea,  
and my screams shattered everything around me,  
No matter what, I won't let it waste onto the ground,

Please don't let this Alice fall into an endless wonderland,  
Verbal or just through text, I want to hear your voice,

Even if it's just one, I want to hear your voice one more time.


	5. Love & Low-carb Soda

The days were good when we had each other,  
Growing up together forming bonds that seemed unbreakable,  
3 then 4, our group of friends kept growing,  
It was nobody's business what we were up to,  
The only thing that mattered is that we were having fun,

It's true that as days go by, things start to change,   
Feelings come and go, but mine remained the same,  
I'd hoped in your heart, that yours stayed the same way too.

Yelling and snarking at me, but I still stayed right here,  
Even if you told me to go away, I'd still remain right here,  
I'll stay by your side because that's what a good friend does,  
I accept your feelings, yet I still don't know why.

The whispering you do behind my back hurts my heart, but I remain right here,  
Even if I don't receive a good reason for it all, I still stay right here,  
But the reoccurring thoughts I don't want to have, made me so confused,  
But I pushed them aside to focus on your feelings first,  
"If I can make you happy, then I'll be satisfied,"

But can I really say that?

It is okay if you start to hate me,  
So is it okay if I start to hate you,

It seems our friendship is like trash scattered around the room from an outside view,  
If that's the case, then I won't take out a single piece,

Left at the corner of the classroom sitting all alone,  
A lukewarm beverage that, even you, refuse to drink

No matter what, I cannot bring myself to throw it away,  
Even if it has the distastefulness of Low-carb soda

Present-day we still have each other,  
Just like destiny, things did change,  
You run off to talk to your other friends,  
Yet I didn't know you could smile like that,

I can still have fun with you alone,  
And even enjoy my time with our other friends,  
At the end of the day, unwanted thoughts well up inside my head,

If you say hurtful things and mock me, then that's okay with me,  
Telling me I'm annoying and to leave you alone; know that I'm here for you,  
Even if others tell me that this kind of relationship is unhealthy,  
I'll block their words because I know that I'm a good friend,

I can't deny that the others' words are finally getting to me,  
Even if I have words that I'd like to say to you,  
"I won't say them because you deserve to be happy,"

Can I say that after all this time?

You get pleasure when you and others laugh at me,  
Will I feel the same pleasure if I laughed at me too,

I took the truthful words that the others told me, along with my feelings,  
And pushed them aside because I wanted to make you smile like your other friends do,

I know it's not wrong of me to feel the way I do,  
Though I can't help but feel bad that I have these feelings for me,

It omits a cheap taste like Low-carb soda

It's okay that things turned out this way,  
My love for our friendship will still remain the same,   
One day you will see the importance of it too,

With that said,

It's okay if you start to hate me,  
So is it okay if I started to hate you?

Our friendship is like trash scattered around the room,  
But even then, I still won't take out a single piece,

Left at the corner of the classroom sitting all alone,  
A lukewarm beverage that, even you, still refused to drink

No matter what, I cannot bring myself to throw it away,  
Even if it has the distastefulness of Low-carb soda

So if you receive pleasure from laughing at me, then that's okay,  
'Cause in the end you'll notice the trash as I do,

You'll see that it is just like Low-carb soda.


	6. Good Night!

The small smile you carried with you,  
The same one you never left without,  
Made the happiness in my heart full to the brim,  
It's one that lingered unforgettably,

The little times I first had with you,  
You were like a bundle of joy,  
Our time together grew with each passing day,  
We always spent the day playing with each other,

When you closed your eyes,  
When you closed your eyes,  
You sleeping face made my adoration for you almost uncontrollable,  
As you slept right by my side,

So now when you close your eyes,  
When you close your eyes,  
I hope you'll remember how happy I was to see you,  
But now I must say farewell,

"Nighty night,"  
"Nighty night,"  
The words I whispered hoping that they would go through,  
Please know that there is nobody who can replace you,

The picture placed beside my bed,  
The emotions radiating feels so strong; It hurts,  
It will forever be my everlasting memory of you,

The little me who cried when our eyes first met,  
Was the beginning of our connection,  
The tiny giggles and barks we made in my room,  
Soon became whales of noise,

Growing up was a struggling challenge,  
Filled with hurt and many tears,  
But there you were, your smile, that comforted me,  
I found a reason to keep going,

The moment you closed your eyes,  
The moment you closed your eyes,  
The was no comfort that could satisfy me, that day,  
Loaded with countless waves of tears

But looking back to your peaceful face,  
Back to your peaceful face,  
You knew that your destination was a peaceful one,  
With that, I can only smile and bid you farewell,

"Nighty night,"  
"Nighty night,"  
The wishes I had to keep you close to me,  
Surrounded my heart, while soaring through the sky,

Today, Tonight, Tomorrow as well,  
We will remain in each other's hearts,

"Please rest easy now,"


	7. There was no reason for being born

If life was left in a cardboard box,  
Would it still be valuable?  
In the eyes of everyday characters,  
They'd train on ahead,  
Coming and going at the bus stop like a whirling swarm,

Mistakes in our choices become inevitable,  
Do we not have more to offer than this?  
Where will it lead us, even then,  
It's still unknown

Given to me, what was meant to be a gift to others,  
Was a life that was birthed, small and frail,  
Does such a thing have a value in a world like this?

I possess something capable of becoming anything,  
I can't help anything even if I'm skilled at such,  
Does that mean that others can do the same,  
Even if they possess the same gift as me,

The answer will always remain no,

There is a limit to how much this world can take,  
So vast yet finite, everyone always looks forward,  
Though I can only look at the paper in front of me,  
If my life was the ink in my pen, it would only be pooling up,  
Unable to move freely,

If someone asked if I considered dying,  
Then there wouldn't be too little for me to want to die,  
But if I were asked if I wanted to live,  
Then I have nothing to say,

I keep questioning,

Do I mean anything in this dull world,  
Is there an escape to somewhere more fitting,  
Each time I take a step forward, the path leading me here becomes rubble,  
If there is a tomorrow, where will I go,  
In the end, everybody remains silent,

_"There was no reason for being born"_

If tomorrow leads me towards something better,  
Will that mean I've found the answer I've been searching for,  
The bleak world that provides a mix of pleasure and pain; I've come to know,  
I don't want to live in something so terrible,  
So where will I go,

It's untold; Untold,  
Who am I as a person? Who are you as a human?  
It's obscure; Obscure,  
What do you have to live for? Should that also be my reason?  
It's remote; Remote,  
It's useless writing my feelings down,  
So why do I still want to know,

**What was the point of my existence,**  
**Did I help anyone with my existence,**  
**Why was I given such existence,**

Even if there is nothing in this world that seems ceaseless,  
Even if there's nothing I can do with these hands of mine,  
Even if I cannot foresee what tomorrow has in store for me,  
Even if I don't want to live a life of uncertainty,

_I will keep on walking,_

Up ahead,  
Even if the path I stride leads towards death,

_I'll keep on eating,_

Even if the pills I take only keep my heart beating one more day,  
**"Living like this is worse than life itself,"**

_I'll keep on breathing,_

Even though, I believe,   
The dark tomorrow abandoned my purpose,

  
No matter how much I scream,

**"I want to end it all,"**  
**"Someone end it all,"**  
**"Just please end it all,"**

I'll survive.


	8. Black and White

What if everything turned black and white,  
No matter what anyone says, our actions remain the same,  
The emotions I feel will instantly get blocked out by the distinct words and actions of others and the world,  
  


The time speeds up, but your feelings progress ever so slowly, "but one day I'll get through it,"  
I've said,  
You've said,  
Everyone says, but no distraction can ever shake this feeling,  
  


**The cruelty my minds experiences make it easy for me to hate your existence,**   
**I watched as the words I deeply entrusted to you slowly became worthless to you, as you provided me with indirect lies,**   
**I am not so colorless regarding my actions, as the friendship we had bloomed,**   
**Only to find out that you didn't like me from the beginning,**   
  


So what was the main point of it all?  
  


If we believed that everything was black and white, then it would make everything much more straightforward,  
My severe anxiety, heart difficulties, and the striking nightmares and flashbacks; Many would refuse to say that I have PTSD,  
In a world of color, I did my very best to get along with you,  
From dawn,  
Till dusk,  
I did nothing but give my effort, so why wasn't it enough,  
  


I knew of the severe contrast between us, so I prayed that there would be a connection,  
I wanted nothing more than to be someone reliable that you can come to instinctively,  
If I knew this bleak world would reject my wishes and change my future, I wouldn't have made them in the first place,  
But was I wrong?  
The emotions that I'm feeling,  
I wish it would die,  
  


From that very day,  
That very day,  
Was the sin I made, the same as trusting you,  
The purpose I had in that very moment,  
I can't relive that moment ever again,  
  


The bleak world that rejected everything I wanted;  
This is my punishment for having such wishful thinking,  
  


Your hateful tendency for someone like me, while you purposely avoided to say it to my face;  
The casualty you had led me on and gave you the opening you needed to hurt me in the end,  
  


**The words I wanted to tell you, but always kept them in my mind,**   
**My overflowing mind, causing me to tell you the words I wanted to say,**   
  


I dislike you,  
  


I can't look at you,  
  


I can't handle being close to you,  
  


I have mixed feelings about you,  
  


I know I'm loud,  
  


I know I'm annoying,  
  


I know you didn't like me,  
  


I wasted my time,  
  


I feel like crying,  
  


I know you think I'm exaggerating,  
But I don't care,  
  


You gave me the title of being an angel of happiness,  
That gave me the courage to keep trying,  
But if I have these thoughts,  
 **What kind of Angel would I be?  
  
**

Trusted friendship,  
Trusted friendship,  
You directed your head, pretending not to notice; Giving me something you considered a 'gift'; These busted wings you gave me;  
I will bleach the feathers till they melt off,  
So that I cannot fly anymore,  
  


Every little thing I lived for was the main point of something more significant in my life;  
Holding the beating heart in my hands; Unable to cry no matter what,  
If you smashed one of them to pieces; Piercing my body from the inside out,  
  


**What kind of human do you think I'll become?**


	9. Him

Walking to the classroom,  
Noticing you were there,  
Oh, how I wish I could speak to you,

The shy me, who's glances quickly run between you and me;  
The you, who's sheen radiates the room,  
There, in my notebook; a drawing that feels special to me; a small smile appears on my face,

Home, there on my desk,  
Sits an inked paper, waiting for you,  
The things, I've yet to tell you,

A vivid note as such,  
I believed would never work,  
Though my heart sings in disagreement,

_Gazing at the pleasant sky,_   
_Together, hand in hand,_   
_Time could not stop this moment between us,_

Glancing at the still note,  
Grasping it ever so softly,  
I hope the stars of my feelings reach you safely someday,

A cloudy halo, of many dreams  
Filled with endless possibilities,  
Though my mind is filled with thoughts of you,  
We differ from each other in many ways,  
Yet that doesn't change a thing,

The note remains in my hands,  
Effervescent sounds of the rain pours,  
I've found a moment of opportunity,

The white of the vast sky,  
The faint breeze hitting my skin,  
Freeing my mind, with such ease,

There, I met you,  
Wisterias slowly blooming,  
As time itself stood still,

My mind and body, unable to react,  
My body instinctively incites,  
My hands stretching my note towards you,

I don't want these memories to pass me by,  
Even if this is the first and last time,  
Please let me hear the beautiful melody of your voice,


	10. Her

Showing to class early,  
Hoping nobody would notice me,   
This wouldn't be different,

Across the classroom; a boy  
Sneaking glances towards me,  
As everybody always does,

How I wish for a similar life,  
At peace at home with my loved ones,  
There I would be happy as any other,

Appearing in my mind; The boy quickly making glances at me from across the room,  
The smile that appeared on his face,  
The thought of making a friend despite my differences would make me smile too,

_Burying our feet in the sand,_   
_Talking as time passes by,_   
_The waves of the sky shining bright,_

Though I'm unable to wish for such,  
I may dream my pleasant dreams,  
Someday I will meet that certain someone,

Thought after thought,  
Unconsciously tracing back to that boy,  
Countlessly, standing 'front the class,  
His voice' as sound as the ocean,

The gentle rain pours ever so slightly,  
The outside painted with beautiful scenery,  
I walk to clear my mind,

The slight chill to my skin,  
Water falling on my umbrella,  
I briefly shut my eyes to reminisce in it all,

But there, you stood before me,  
Looking stiff as can be,  
On the ground, stood your umbrella,

A note and wisterias, held by your hands  
The nervous smile and red appearing on your face,  
Just when I thought I'd lost all hope,

The fine line that connects us both,  
The clear acoustics of your voice,  
I want these memories to stay with me,  
Thank you for giving me what I've never had,


	11. My Love

  
Over here,  
Over there,  
The same topic always pops,

It's popularity grows day by day,  
The contagious feeling that plagues the entire world,

All the time,  
I hear their words,  
I wish I could understand what they're saying,

I'm always left out the conversation,  
Even though I'm fine just sitting at my desk,

My Love,  
I don't get it,  
Why can't people stop talking about it,

My Love, My Love,

  
I wish I knew, Is there a clear answer for it all,  
Is there something that will help me understand,

Love becomes a big deal with people around the world,  
Though, right outside my window,  
The satisfying breeze and the things all around are also immits the feeling of love,

Why does it feel wrong?

Such a feeling makes no sense in a world like this; Will I ever find my answer?

My feelings;  
The worldly view;  
No solution,

Though I'm unsure of what I'm feeling,  
I'll find ways to get closer to the answer,

My Love;  
I want to find out what you are,

Why is it that I can't see clearly with these eyes of mine; the love I'm searching for  
How is it that everyone has an answer for something so complicated; contrasting the meaning seen from you and I,

How can many things so different, bare the same word,  
Is there an invisible thread that binds them together,

My Love, My Love,  
Is there something I'm not understanding,

My Love, My Love,  
Someone, please help me understand,

My Love, Your Love,  
I assumed you were thinking the same,  
But I should've given myself more time,

Please, someone, tell me;  
How can an idiot like me, possibly think that our feelings were the same,  
I still don't understand the basics of the connection or meaning towards these passions,   
But hopefully, I'll find out what it means, someday

My Love,  
I'll keep searching for you,

The blue of the sky,  
The glimmer in the ocean,  
The rustling trees,

I can see the glimmer of the ocean,  
Just like you can,

I can feel the sweet breeze rustling the trees,  
I'm sure you can feel it too,

There are many amazing things in the world,  
I can't deny that the beauty of one sky covers them,  
Even if I can't understand the feelings of others,  
I want to accept that fact, but I can't stop wanting to know,

So answer me this,

If there was a question to how the sky keeps its beautiful form,  
There would be too many possibilities to provide an answer

If the sky was a person and asked "What does love mean to me,"  
I wouldn't be able to give a straight answer,  
But if I was given a present that contains all of my feelings,

**Then what's the point,**

Such a thing doesn't exist in a world like this; Will I ever find my answer,

My feelings;  
The endless sky;  
So undefined,

Though there are things I still don't understand,  
I feel as though I'm inching forward,

My Love,  
I will continue to find out what you mean to me,

The strangeness of what I feel,  
The distinct name of those days,  
Will never leave my mind,


	12. Isolation

The joyous screams that crave to shiver down your spine;  
 _You know you can't,_  
 _You know you can't,_

Rebellious fireworks who's sound pounds at your heart;  
 _You know you won't,_  
 _You know you won't,_

Accidental communication turned into something purposeful, so much that it causes something you wish wasn't there. It's enough time for the mental pain to end.

Emotions that everyone has never seemed enough to be equal,  
The many dreams that cover dreams leave you wanting for more,  
Though the thoughts of freedom became enclosed in a small place, when there is so much to offer,  
When will things start to change, ah, I can't stand a pain like this for too long.

The want stood there so long that it became a wish,  
 _It's a small chance for me,_  
 _It's a small chance for you,_

The thick walls that you built for my ensured safety,  
makes me want to climb over even though that proves useless to me,  
I don't want you to ignore my freedom,

Waking up and heading straight to the computer, and sitting at the table alone to eat, didn't you ever think something like this was unhealthy for someone so young.

You had everything in your power, within your grasp, to change the course no matter how many times I tell you, but you always kept looking past the consequences,

The thoughts and the sight of my friends laughing without me keeps on pushing me to the limit of what I can't hold onto anymore,

Be quiet, I don't want to listen to anything you have to say,  
Everything you say will have no meaning in this world of mine,  
Wherever my future leads to, It won't be the same as this, I pray,

Walk around in circles and continuously make it bigger;  
Do it more until your soles scream and you can't walk anymore;  
Taking advantage of other's pain to get what I want;  
Knowing I'll get it because they're all forced to agree.

Even though a tiny chance existed, maybe the small me didn't have to grow up like this. Ah, what was the point, if you knew nothing good would come from this.

The laughing; The silence; both surrounded me, making my mixed feelings go insane.  
Dream after dream of my thoughts and wants are all lies that contradicted reality.  
I'll deny it, refuse it; the words that you say.  
I'll prove wrong of everything you thought was right.

Wherever my future leads, It won't be the same, I pray,  
I don't know when, I don't know how I'll get the same experience I the younger me missed out on, but there is a slither of hope I can pray won't fall,  
If any me can hear me, "I won't give up on you."


	13. To bask in the rain

"You know, I've had special feelings towards you for a long time that I had to tell you. Do you...share the same feelings?"

Sorry if everything was sudden at that given place and time, though you smiled at me just like a good friend would. There; a person calling towards you in the distance, you turned to acknowledge their attention, but even if we are friends, my hope in this small chance for us stayed strong, as I held my present in place, wondering when the next time I would give it to you. Ah. But even a feeling like this made my fists clench. 

Our days always remain the same. Sending heart messages and cute and wacky photos we took together on our many times out. Zooming in, I can tell our feelings as if they never left. It always felt good. 

The same night, I called you. We kept sharing our love for particular scenery, and even talking about what animes we even like. I enjoy talking to you like this every night, hearing your voice while we chat and laugh always made me feel the same way. 

I'm sorry if I somehow took our friendship for granted that day with my confession. But despite that, watching dusk rise before us never changed our relationship. My hope in this small chance for us stayed strong; waiting to finally give my gift to you. Despite my feelings, these days are still nice. 

The moment you questioned if I had a special someone in my life, the face you saw showed nothing but a silent surprise. We stood side by side, but the fists you clenched would never allow me to hold them. Even then, your gazing smile towards me covered the sun and erased all of my thoughts. That special someone right beside me; who's charming personality provided comfort. Though you were within arms reach, nothing I felt ever called its way towards you. 

Our sweet messages to each other soon slimmed down to sugarcoated words, but deep down, we both knew that our emotions differed that day. The feeling of helplessness was overwhelming, but knowing our wonderful outings together would change forever, clawed at my chest.

I could never let that happen. Even if there were a 1 percent chance to save it all, I would do anything. I gathered nothing but the truth of my feelings to you wrapped in this gift and rushed over to you that night, knowing that this would be the best and only time to tell you. 

Seeing you in the night sky was more fitting for the both of us. I needed another chance to see you again. 

I came to hurry and tell you everything that was put into this gift for you, and there you stood with an umbrella at your side, flashing the same smile you always had. "I'm sorry" were the only words that slipped from your lips as you walked past with a dejected expression. 

Now I know our friendship that was cherished never progressed beyond the illusion I believed, as you smiled at me like a good friend would. But even with knowing the truth, the gift for you was still held in place; the rain slowly trickling down from the night sky. My punishment for the hope I placed in us caused that smile to go away forever. My body stilled in the rain, masking the tears through gritted teeth. My fists clenched around my feelings. There will never be a 'next time' for me. 


	14. Even with this side of me, I'll be considered dirt

  
"I'm sorry" "I'm sorry," these words don't come from the mouth but echo elsewhere. "Go away" "Go away," these words only travel towards my mind and heart, and I know they're all because of you.

So with that, I keep walking on just like you could in every way. Even though it's the same, you find a way to make it different to benefit you. Why is it that this road is painted with colors that don't match me at all, while you get to rise and move forward, there isn't a single place where I'm able to step. What would be the point of continuing? What was the goal I was trying to reach? 

_It hurts,_  
_It hurts,_  
There's nothing I can say but "It hurts,"  
Doesn't anyone get that?

Ah, my legs walk the same, my arms are fluid like they always are, my body moves that same as it always does. I can't find a single thing wrong,

There are flaws inside me, those that prevent me from being the same as you. Looking at you is always annoying, making me hate you more and more. It's nonsense I stare at the ground, admiring my path with gritted teeth and clenched fists. Even though we are the same, this should never be happening to me,

So with that, I keep moving forward, limping my way through, trying to arrive somewhere better, while you stride ahead with ease without a care of the difference to look back at me. Looking up at someone while being slowed by the mud under me allows my will to stop. My smile begins to fade. My heart starts to fill with nothing but pain because of you. 

_It hurts,_  
_It hurts,_  
There is nothing that can be said other than "It hurts,"  
Yet you still aren't able to see that,

With your ability to fly, you have no reason to look any higher than those who deserve it.

"I'm sorry," "I'm sorry," These words echo anywhere but my ears. "Just go away," "Go away," plays over and over inside my insufferable body. Even if I know they're all because of you, there's a pile of dirt elsewhere that lacks acknowledgment.

Even so,

Even so, falling and embracing what the world provided with no reason why. For what do you gain to acknowledge finally that dirt under rubble is still dirt. My withered tears, my aching heart, were things that were transparent from the beginning.   
**"I hate you,"**  
So what gives you the right, the tread on something of mine that doesn't exist anymore after all this time. Why is that more than enough for you to finally look at me? My trembling body wanting to be spared your empty words of empathy. "I'm sorry," meaningless noise; I don't need this kind of pity from someone like you. 

"I genuinely love the me that's in front of you,"  
But these words hold nothing but endless amounts of regret.  
No matter how much bleach you use to erase your tracks of this sullied path, we both know you'll leave me here anyway.


	15. As to how we're friends

With my cloudy vision, there is an exact change in the sky's color illuminating from the ground. To this day, I still can't grasp to understand it at all.

Your closeness to this world shines so bright; even you find it so in the rain over me. You carry it all of it at once, but you need only to choose one to take with you. I welcome my clouds back, still looking dark and fluffy as I will always remember it. It is so that I can close my eyes. 

You who is fortunate enough to carry more than me has everyone on your side with nothing but smiles on their face. Between us two, we simply cannot compare, yet you walked towards me without a care in the world. The sheen you give off only hurts my eyes as you march towards me.

I'll tell you all the "I'm sorry's" the world has ever known. All I wanted was for you to be happy. Someone as fortunate as you could never understand these solemn feelings of mine. The fault in wanting more was because of you, yet there was nothing that I could've done. I never wanted you to get close to me so that this would happen. 

White noise, so stay quiet for the sake of both of us. How can you talk me up and possibly compliment me in any way? What you find in me is something I'll never understand. Ah, it's already time for my daily routine; the same rinse and repeat I've memorized on the back of my hand. Seeing others is a good distraction, and chatting with them takes my mind off the world. "Welcome home," this time, I'm greeted by the clouds that patiently waited for me. It's time for me to go to the place where you always seem to be.

You're always at the corner of my eye, making sure you're smiling my way. Your messages pile up until I have the time to read them, though I haven't the slightest clue of what to reply. With replies that are so dull, you seem to respond with enthusiasm and encouragement instantly. 

Being a part of your life meant I finally got to stand under the same sky as you. Seeing as you can effortlessly make those around you laugh makes me envious that the terrible me couldn't be like you in any way. The fact that I thought of such things hurts so much. 

I dearly want to tell you that I love your words to me, but the sky's rain prevents me from doing anything. How can the annoyingly happy you, who knows nothing about these feelings, have so much to say. You cannot compare to me in any way, but here you are, standing so close to me. I don't need you to get caught in the rain without protection anymore. 

I feel nothing but hate to those who have everything handed to them. I don't want to hang around others that make me remember things I tried hard to ignore but knowing this; you still held my hand to the point I had no idea what you were thinking. There was no way you understood anything about this, yet you talked to me as if you did. I always stood in disbelief, but if you knew how I acted then...

I'd apologize for a million times worth, but my words aren't restoring the smile you always made. For my neglect of your attitude, did it truly take someone like me to be happy enough to satisfy you? You aren't better than me in any way, yet it was me who made mistakes for both of us. If I realized sooner, I never would've kept you so close.


	16. The clouds only surround us

Even at our best moments, when we're shining with our smiles, there always seems to be a chance of rain; even then our words were filled with negativity.

Ah, once again, it's another quarrel; the rain gets louder and louder. It doesn't seem to be letting up, but we've grown accustomed to it. 

You came over once again, without an umbrella, drenched in the rain. While, of course, without paying it any mind, I slept after beating the wall with anger. 

Our continuous schedules caused the cycle of our gloomy days to continue because you think that you're better than me. If that's the case, should we start over again like last time? Is it time we let ourselves get struck by lightning,  
It's distasteful, as the swinging clouds come to surround us all the time.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," is all I keep boasting you with. If only what I had to say could restore your smile again,  
If only you saw things my way, then you wouldn't have to scream because of me,

It's clear to both of us of what I'm better than you at, but even then, this is the only thing I can do. It doesn't matter how much time was wasted; the clouds will continue to surround us.

Even at our best times, it's still loud outside. Even so, we are only speaking noisily. Our voices are drowning out any disturbances around us. It seems to be a break-up once again. However, it's okay if you're going to see what I'm trying to do for you, but you never can! Why is that!?

You came rushing over again, while today differed with an umbrella in your hands. You took your time having a proper meal; meanwhile, I slept my day away. 

It's going to become the end like the cycle it's become, but it wouldn't be wrong because we both know that you're not better than me at all. Therefore you even fawn on me, but it seems enough even if we see each other in a glib time.   
It's distasteful, as the swinging clouds come to surround us all the time.

Boasting you with all the "I like you" that I can ever muster. I wish I can close the distance between us. It was a childish act to say that I'd be able to protect you, even so, you're crying because of me.

When it's apparent that I'm better than you, it's always the deception of doubt that clouds my mind. Although this is the only thing I can offer, it doesn't seem to be enough. It's never enough.

Continuously bragging "I hate you,"  
Even if there is a question about it, you never seem to quarry about the farewell between us, but why can't you seem to understand me at all? This situation dramatically exceeds that of the mountains, but somehow we're still together, waiting for it to be dragged in the mud.

Boasting you with all the "I'm sorry" in the world seemed too late to restore to that smile of yours. The promise I made but couldn't keep is the reason you're here breaking because of me. Even if it was the deception blocking me from seeing, it's clear that my words weren't capable of stopping what already passed. 

It is so that you're out there facing the clouds of rain that shower you all alone.


	17. Stuck in the past

Right now, I'm waking up to fresh air in the morning, so now, I know I'm living an ordinary life.

Right now, my head faces towards the bright sky, so now, I'm hoping the bright stars come out soon.

Right now, I want to walk the path they will provide me, but now, I'm stuck talking to my friends as you are with yours. Now, nobody knows what will happen if I stand in place because the "now" is blank. It becomes vexingly empty, upon looking at the other me beyond the mirror.

There is a pure scent that lingers after the rain passes. It leaves me with memories of what's happened until now. Thinking about something like that is trivial, but why can't I seem to understand that. The only way I can live now is in the present, for the future only opens further on. I must keep moving my foot forward; step by step; to reach that goal. My way of thinking decides this, but it's gone black, bleak, it assails me and becomes something that isn't a part of this world anymore. 

Back then, the ones that feel as though they were ages ago; it was a good time for both of us. The feeling of being stuck in the past takes over with nothing left. This life, my life was such a thing that was made perfect ages ago. There is no uncertainty about it if I backtrack. Myself; my status, has all been taken from me with little hesitation. 

Right now, I'm yawning to yet another dull morning, as now, I'm getting ready while I'm half asleep. 

Right now, the smell from the morning before holds itself in the air, and now, I'm looking down at a puddle that's casting my reflection.

Right now, I wish it could drown right here and now, 'cause now, I don't care about what others think around me. Still, nobody knows what will happen if I stood still. The present remains empty.

The void of black assails me once again, making me lose my sense of direction. Back then, everything was okay; nothing was wrong. I am confident that the past traps me. My worth was such a fickle thing I'd already let go of. The torment of it only appealed to me being a sobbing mess while being helpless. All my dreams, along with my many goals, slowly slip through my fingertips until I've lost everything I've ever wanted. 

Right now, I'm waking up to fresh air in the morning, so now, I know I'm living an ordinary life.

Right now, I am looking up above the sky, 'cause now, I'm admiring the beautiful sunset as I know the night will break out soon. 

Right now, I want to chase after the path they will provide me, but now I'm still in place, try as I might to run with all my will. Now, what will happen when I'm still this time? The answer of the meaningless "now" will always remain the same. 

Soon it will lead to my death.

My life. My cause. My worth were all things that were laid out perfect for me ages ago. There can be no other outcome of it when I look back at everything. I'm tired of looking at the bruises and bandages of the past self I refused to let out that I've hit my worst failure. The torment filled too much for my heart to bare; for all the days and festivities have all passed me by. All my efforts for everything and my tears for everyone blew away and withered like dried leaves dancing among the wind, not knowing where it will ever take them. You, my past self, can wish yourself a congratulatory victory. I have lost everything now.

Right now, my body is hurting all over, so now, the blackened night captivates me.

Right now, my body is hurting all over, though now, the stars shine beautifully on the cliffside.

Right now, a shooting star passes as my spirits lower, so now, I'm finally walking the path of stars it runs towards. 

Right now, you've now met the 'me' who you were unable to stop. 


End file.
